Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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