when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
