I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
