Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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