im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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