If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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