I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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