And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
