I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
