my phone needs a breathalizer
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize