If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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