just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
