cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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