My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
