I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
