Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
