Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
