Your face is a jimmy john
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
