Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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