My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
