Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
