Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I don't deserve a penis
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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