Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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