she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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