1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
