I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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