I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He shit in the fireplace
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
