Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
