Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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