My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
