I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
