Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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