oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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