I'm lost and stupid without you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
