Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Mom said you looked used
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
