New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
