Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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