honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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