Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize