For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You're like the curious george of whores
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
