I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
