My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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