you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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