Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
