i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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