I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
