The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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