Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
