i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
