Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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