I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
