i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
