I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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