Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
