I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
