There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
