i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
