I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
