dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
