I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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