His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
