never play flip cup with pint glasses
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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