Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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